Yeah, I know, it's been ages since I bothered posting. The meds really helped me through a rough time, but the truth is I didn't have the energy to DO anything. So I went off them at 6 months, and things have been okay. I don't mean HALLELUJAH I AM CURED perfect or anything, but okay. I'm still mildly positive symptomatic and moderately negative symptomatic, if I'm being honest, but I'm functioning and happy most of the time.
I'm posting more because I've been noticing things, and feeling things lately that I wasn't before. I'm feeling super burnt out by being inundated with "relate able" anxiety and depression posts lately. I must see 20 (at least) each day posted on Facebook, shared each time by multiple friends. I'm glad they feel safe enough to talk so openly about things, and I can relate to them too, to a certain extent, but in the end I wind up feeling detached and othered. My issues and experiences are just different, at their root, so these things are ultimately not "for me", I guess.
But it has had the effect of making me look inward. I'm starting to recognize my natural coping mechanisms, and how they might come off to others. I am constantly on my phone (this is a normal thing for loads of people, I know), and I know that there is a school of thought that finds this rude. I do this to keep my mind occupied. I need to keep a certain level of focus on something going on quite a lot of the time. Time alone with my thoughts can almost feel dangerous. It is far easier to slip into delusional thinking than it is to claw my way back out again, once I'm in it. So I unconsciously (mostly) am constantly finding ways to do that.
Another thing I've noticed is how much socializing actually tires me out. There is a small circle of people I feel comfortable enough with that this doesn't happen, but anyone outside that circle is a completely different matter. Meeting a person outside the circle for lunch means I will have zero desire to interact with people for days or more. I'm withdrawing on line as well. Leaving groups where I feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people/emotions. It's hard to offer up an explanation to people for this. I don't really have one, it just feels like something I need to do at the moment, and I trust my instincts more than I trust my mind.
Friday, October 7, 2016
Monday, January 4, 2016
*insert witty title*
Yes, yes, I went silent for a bit. I'm very unmotivated at the moment, and it's seeping through everywhere. My 2 week trial of my new med (Quetiapine) is almost over, so I'm once again spending my mornings desperately trying to get through to my doctor's surgery to get an appointment. I'm feeling a bit optimistic about this drug. I don't feel a complete zombie on it, and it certainly helps with the anxiety a bit. I'm on a super low dose at the moment, though, (lower than any dose used to treat anything) so it's not exactly doing the job yet. But it's better than it was, so I guess I'm hopeful that an actual dose will get me somewhere.
I find myself torn between a desire to run from my delusions and an almost pathological desire to examine and understand them. My head is full of white noise. When the voices are quiet, they touch me. And again I'm torn between wanting to know why and wanting to just not feel things that aren't there. There's a dimness in people's eyes when they look at me, that I interpret as judgement. As if they think I'm making this all up. That I could make this stop if I just tried harder.
I worry most, still, about Jim worrying. I feel like he's waiting for me to be who I was, like he can't see that I am, already. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't actually know what it is he's thinking and feeling. My head feels heavy with the burden of reminding myself of what I know to be true. I have to step into the whirlwind of static and list everything I know just to pull myself out, like hitting a reset button.
I think this probably reads worse to the layperson than it actually is.
I can do it. Not only am I capable of pulling myself back into reality, but I remember to do it quite often. That's huge. I mean, that's everything, basically.
And while I'm completely unmotivated to *actually* get anything done, I have a ton of ideas for things I want to do. I've been looking up name meanings, as I want to write a story. I'm preparing to take up crocheting (again). I'm reading a fantastic novel, and I've got my learn to speak Dothraki book and cd ready to start. I'm also desperate to top up my art supplies and start painting again. And I've got a new tattoo in the works. So loads to do, if I can just push myself to start.
Also, I managed not to put back on tons of weight over Christmas. I did gain back a little over a lb, but that still has me 3 lbs from my goal weight. I'm trying a ketogenic diet, as there has been some evidence that it can help with managing symptoms of schizophrenia.
That is where I'm at, I guess. Slight improvement, still lots of work to do.
I find myself torn between a desire to run from my delusions and an almost pathological desire to examine and understand them. My head is full of white noise. When the voices are quiet, they touch me. And again I'm torn between wanting to know why and wanting to just not feel things that aren't there. There's a dimness in people's eyes when they look at me, that I interpret as judgement. As if they think I'm making this all up. That I could make this stop if I just tried harder.
I worry most, still, about Jim worrying. I feel like he's waiting for me to be who I was, like he can't see that I am, already. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't actually know what it is he's thinking and feeling. My head feels heavy with the burden of reminding myself of what I know to be true. I have to step into the whirlwind of static and list everything I know just to pull myself out, like hitting a reset button.
I think this probably reads worse to the layperson than it actually is.
I can do it. Not only am I capable of pulling myself back into reality, but I remember to do it quite often. That's huge. I mean, that's everything, basically.
And while I'm completely unmotivated to *actually* get anything done, I have a ton of ideas for things I want to do. I've been looking up name meanings, as I want to write a story. I'm preparing to take up crocheting (again). I'm reading a fantastic novel, and I've got my learn to speak Dothraki book and cd ready to start. I'm also desperate to top up my art supplies and start painting again. And I've got a new tattoo in the works. So loads to do, if I can just push myself to start.
Also, I managed not to put back on tons of weight over Christmas. I did gain back a little over a lb, but that still has me 3 lbs from my goal weight. I'm trying a ketogenic diet, as there has been some evidence that it can help with managing symptoms of schizophrenia.
That is where I'm at, I guess. Slight improvement, still lots of work to do.
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