Finally!

Got in to see the GP. She was lovely, and sympathetic, and gave me an urgent referral. I'm to contact her in 3 weeks if I haven't been contacted to set up an appointment by then. I was a mess. Really nervous and twitchy. I didn't realise how afraid I was of getting turned away, or told I was imagining it or that I basically just need to buck up. I think people want to tell you "You're okay" because they think that that's comforting. But when you can't trust your own judgement about anything other than the fact that you know you are NOT okay, that's the last fucking thing you want to hear. I had to hand her my little notebook with my recent symptoms. Here, I can't think, but I made you this list when I wasn't a ball of nerves. It was good, though. I'm really hopeful that this will help.
     Yesterday was a good day, (loads of sleep, good experience at gp's office), but today is proving a bit hit or miss. I feel fine, mostly, but I caught myself having an old argument with the voices. One I've had many MANY times, but forgotten about. It's the one where the voices tell you that you're lying. You're FINE, this happens to everyone. It's perfectly normal, and you're just looking for attention, because you're basically human filth that doesn't follow the rules of shutting the fuck up about the secret unpleasantness that everyone deals with. And you ALMOST think the voice has a point, until you realise that you are standing on the side of the road, having an argument that is taking place entirely within your head, and the voice of the opposing party seems to be housed within a fucking pink wooden plank door in a goddamned fence. This fence door, as a matter of fact.

                                                               (Sorry if this is your door!)

Can you even imagine? Sure, maybe you're right and I've actually just decided I was bored with being happy and really desperately wanted people to look at me like I'm a fucking aberration except no, you're a fucking door, and this is definitely not something normal people would do. Plus, you look fucking ridiculous. So fuck off. I suppose the upside to this one is that the entire argument happened in my head, so at least there's that.
      Anyway, hanging on and hoping to get assessed soon. Have come round full circle and am almost hoping the suggest meds, at least in the short term. It would take the pressure off to fix this all myself. In the meantime I will just concentrate on trying to take the best possible care of myself I can, and hope it has a positive effect.

Holding pattern

Still attempting to get in to see the GP before they break up for Christmas. While I wait for that, I've been researching resources on line. There is so much out there I wasn't aware of. I've learned about TUFR and WRAP, and Rethink. I've found out that there is an Twitter community using the #schizotribe hashtag to connect with and support each other. There is so much more information readily available than there was 20 years ago. It is really encouraging and, I think, empowering.
     I'm going to go out and get myself a notebook. In it, I'll list all my positive and negative symptoms, past and present. Everything I can remember, everything I can put into words. Then I'm going to make myself up a chart. A sort of weekly grading system, so I can monitor my symptoms and my stress, keep myself aware of when and where I'm slipping. I was mainly "asymptomatic" for 18 years without meds, and whether or not I wind up back on them, there is no reason why I shouldn't be again. I'm tragically disorganized by nature, but I think having a self assessment method in place will help me both long and short term. In the short term, it will give me a reference of concrete things I can share with my GP and whomever I get referred to from there. In the long term, it should make self care much easier, as I will be able to see ahead of time when I need to go easier on myself, or seek out assistance.
     As for my current state, I am mostly settled into the aftermath, the negative symptoms, with only the occasional delusional thought process or minor visual/auditory/tactile hallucination  popping up. It is usually a momentary thing that is easily packed away, now. My motivation, on the other hand, is at zero. My ability to concentrate is severely limited at this point, and my self care is suffering, although not so much so that it's terribly noticeable to others. I'm still a bit withdrawn emotionally, and finding it very hard to relax. I'm aware of all this, though, so working to find ways to stop withdrawing.