Finally!

Got in to see the GP. She was lovely, and sympathetic, and gave me an urgent referral. I'm to contact her in 3 weeks if I haven't been contacted to set up an appointment by then. I was a mess. Really nervous and twitchy. I didn't realise how afraid I was of getting turned away, or told I was imagining it or that I basically just need to buck up. I think people want to tell you "You're okay" because they think that that's comforting. But when you can't trust your own judgement about anything other than the fact that you know you are NOT okay, that's the last fucking thing you want to hear. I had to hand her my little notebook with my recent symptoms. Here, I can't think, but I made you this list when I wasn't a ball of nerves. It was good, though. I'm really hopeful that this will help.
     Yesterday was a good day, (loads of sleep, good experience at gp's office), but today is proving a bit hit or miss. I feel fine, mostly, but I caught myself having an old argument with the voices. One I've had many MANY times, but forgotten about. It's the one where the voices tell you that you're lying. You're FINE, this happens to everyone. It's perfectly normal, and you're just looking for attention, because you're basically human filth that doesn't follow the rules of shutting the fuck up about the secret unpleasantness that everyone deals with. And you ALMOST think the voice has a point, until you realise that you are standing on the side of the road, having an argument that is taking place entirely within your head, and the voice of the opposing party seems to be housed within a fucking pink wooden plank door in a goddamned fence. This fence door, as a matter of fact.

                                                               (Sorry if this is your door!)

Can you even imagine? Sure, maybe you're right and I've actually just decided I was bored with being happy and really desperately wanted people to look at me like I'm a fucking aberration except no, you're a fucking door, and this is definitely not something normal people would do. Plus, you look fucking ridiculous. So fuck off. I suppose the upside to this one is that the entire argument happened in my head, so at least there's that.
      Anyway, hanging on and hoping to get assessed soon. Have come round full circle and am almost hoping the suggest meds, at least in the short term. It would take the pressure off to fix this all myself. In the meantime I will just concentrate on trying to take the best possible care of myself I can, and hope it has a positive effect.