October 2016

Yeah, I know, it's been ages since I bothered posting. The meds really helped me through a rough time, but the truth is I didn't have the energy to DO anything. So I went off them at 6 months, and things have been okay. I don't mean HALLELUJAH I AM CURED perfect or anything, but okay. I'm still mildly positive symptomatic and moderately negative symptomatic, if I'm being honest, but I'm functioning and happy most of the time.

I'm posting more because I've been noticing things, and feeling things lately that I wasn't before. I'm feeling super burnt out by being inundated with "relate able" anxiety and depression posts lately. I must see 20 (at least) each day posted on Facebook, shared each time by multiple friends. I'm glad they feel safe enough to talk so openly about things, and I can relate to them too, to a certain extent, but in the end I wind up feeling detached and othered. My issues and experiences are just different, at their root, so these things are ultimately not "for me", I guess.

But it has had the effect of making me look inward. I'm starting to recognize my natural coping mechanisms, and how they might come off to others. I am constantly on my phone (this is a normal thing for loads of people, I know), and I know that there is a school of thought that finds this rude. I do this to keep my mind occupied. I need to keep a certain level of focus on something going on quite a lot of the time. Time alone with my thoughts can almost feel dangerous. It is far easier to slip into delusional thinking than it is to claw my way back out again, once I'm in it. So I unconsciously (mostly) am constantly finding ways to do that.

Another thing I've noticed is how much socializing actually tires me out. There is a small circle of people I feel comfortable enough with that this doesn't happen, but anyone outside that circle is a completely different matter. Meeting a person outside the circle for lunch means I will have zero desire to interact with people for days or more. I'm withdrawing on line as well. Leaving groups where I feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people/emotions. It's hard to offer up an explanation to people for this. I don't really have one, it just feels like something I need to do at the moment, and I trust my instincts more than I trust my mind.